The 2019 General Election: Live!

9:25pm

Wow! I remembered my blogspot password.

Hello folks, it's been awhile. 

To quote Brenda from Bristol (aka: our modern day Nostradamus) "You're joking! Not another one..."

A quick disclaimer: I have to be up at 6:00am tomorrow morning for work. I also have a politics essay to write.

Now... I *promised* myself I wouldn't stay up to blog the election but I just CANNOT. SIT. STILL. 

It's half an hour till the exit polls are announced. This has big ramifications for the panic attack I'm currently experiencing: it could have a shelf life of 30 minutes or 5 years depending on what is announced at 10 o'clock.

There were no exit polls for the EU referendum back in 2016 and I remember merrily going to bed until I woke up in a cold sweat to the sound of Nick Robinson's sombre tones on the Today programme announcing 51% of the country had voted to leave.  

Will I make it in to work tomorrow? (Yes and I'm really looking forward to it if my boss just so happens to be reading this...) We'll see. Can you imagine the sheer irony of failing a politics degree because you stayed up to watch the General Election? A paradox that seems to exemplify the current political situation we find ourselves in.

Fasten yer seatbelts.

9:40pm

I need to change this. I'm a fully grown adult woman of 22 now. Still addicted to tea and not a fan of early mornings, but hopefully with a little more life experience now. Bless.

9:53pm

Here's my cat channelling her inner spirit of '45 to calm any last minute jitters:

Ken Loach's film about the 1945 General Election

My cat, Prudence

10:05pm

Kyrie Eleison. Christie Eleison. Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.
Jesus WEPT.

An 80 seat majority.
Wow.

10:14pm
He HID. IN. A. FRIDGE.  Our Prime Minister HID. IN. A. FRIDGE.

Homelessness has more than doubled over the last 10 years of Tory government. People are dying. Schools can't afford toilet rolls. The NHS is on it's knees and yet we've got the worst Labour result since 1939. Wow.

10:41pm
A bloke from Ipsos Mori has just popped up on the BBC saying that even B O L S O V E R could go blue. It's always been a bit marginal but surely to God Dennis Skinner can't loose his seat? What will he do?! There are only so many times he can use his bus pass to have a look around the National Coal Mining Museum.
Ipsos Mori? You mean Memento Mori?

10:56pm
Er... right. Let's think of the positives. However much you disappoint other people in your life, at least you can't reach the levels of David Cameron and his Mum. Imagine the entire country knowing that you put your genitals in a dead pig's mouth and that not even being *close* to the worst thing he'll be remembered for. All of this stems from his inability to reconcile the two wings of his party. He was arrogant enough to gamble the entire future of our nation to stop bickering in the Tory party. The current political nightmare we find ourselves in (when I say nightmare I mean one of those really terrifying sleep paralysis ones where you're awake but have no control whatsoever over your own body... or future... or destiny...) has deep roots but David Cameron announcing the 2016 EU referendum was our Eve in Eden moment.

Cider with Cameron: everyone's least favourite Laurie Lee novel

11:06pm
More positives. If Wakefield turns Tory I'm sure the Cribs' won't run out of punk for their next album.








11:27pm
Newcastle Central: the first constituency to declare with a 58% Labour majority. Well done Chi Onwurah. The entirety of the UK Parliament is currently a black woman standing on a socialist manifesto. Savour this moment.

11:34pm
Ian Levy. Blyth Valley in Northumberland. Working class, ex-mining town. Wow. A candidate in a strong North Eastern accent who WORKS FOR THE NHS is on the telly thanking Boris Johnson. My jaw is on the floor. If this continues most of January will be filled with extensive orthodontic surgery.

11:49pm
Never mind when I was 7 years old and started to realise Santa Claus had the same handwriting as my Grandma. All I asked Santa for was a labour majority government this year. Told him he didn't even need to bother wrapping it. But socks it is. Bah Humbug.

It's early but I am going to bed. Whatever happens I have to get up at 7:00am for my minimum wage job tomorrow and put a Christmas jumper on and pretend to smile. I am tired in my bones. Good night.

Merry fucking Christmas to you.

Postcards from far away

Well, summer has been eventful so far!
As well as generally lazing around and drinking tea , I have been...er....watching the Olympics.

Now, I know what you're thinking. I have moaned incessantly about the Olympics, from the moment 7 years ago, on the 6th of July 2005 when we found out we'd won the bid. For 7 whole years, I have groaned, complained, protested and whinged. There's no denying that the Olympics isn't perfect, so far, there have been: deaths, un-acceptable and shameful corporate sponsorship,a horrific scandal concerning DOW chemical, and a cancelled Glastonbury! 

However we've also had Mr Bean playing a synthesiser,

 a gigantic 100ft Voldermort, 

15 gold medals for Team GB, 

                                             and er....Boris Johnson dangling from a zipwire. 

Only in Britain. 

So, as much as I want to hate the Olympics,  well...I'm actually quite enjoying them, and so far, the opening ceremony has been a highlight, I loved it, and I'm sure the 27 Million U.K. viewers and the rest of the world (even if some of the Korean viewers weren't quite laughing at the classic British humour) loved it too. Especially the Arctic Monkeys. (Or to be even more specific, Alex Turner.)

The only complaint I would have that whoever said "It's a small world" Has evidently never had to sit through the calling out of the countries at the opening ceremony...bloody hell, I managed to have 3 cups of tea just through the S's!  I swear at one point they were just making countries up to make sure Her Maj was awake. Poor sod, I wonder if she was allowed Gin in the stadium? 

We'll remember the opening ceremony for years to come, and if I was old enough to bet, I'd put £100 on Danny Boyle getting a knighthood. The word legend is overused, but not in this case. 

So yes, as much as I have moaned about the Olympics, I will be avidly watching from my sofa, eating some custard creams, but sadly not dreaming. Because any one who knows me well, will know that Fran and sports don't really mix. Okay, Fran and sports do not mix AT ALL. I cannot throw, I cannot jump and I most certainly cannot  run. The only sporting talents I posses are the ability to walk to the fridge plus some mouldy swimming badge, (that will be floating round in my Gran's knicker drawer) saying that I can jump into a large body of water in my pjamas, and swim breaststroke for 100m. 

I think even John Prescott doing the hurdles has more sporting talent than I can only dream of. 

So please don't hold your breath to see me at Rio in 2016. 

                                    

                 

Anyway, enough of my ranting, GOOD LUCK TEAM GB!