Thursday, 8 June 2017

The 2017 General Election: Live!

Well, a lot has changed since the last time I did this whole liveblog thing back in 2015.
For a start, I can actually VOTE (Shoutout to the Representation of The People Act 1918!)... and well... I've gone from being a paid up member of the Green Party to joining my local Labour Party purely to vote for Jeremy Corbyn, to campaigning for Owen Smith in the second leadership contest to switching allegiances back to Jez...
Let's not mention that whole thing about the EU or Trump or the fact that British politics is more of a rollercoaster than Ronan Keating on a family day out at Alton Towers...

As ever though, your favourite politics student is here to provide a sweary, caffeine fuelled commentary throughout election night. Fasten your seatbelts folks!

9:55pm: Gil Scott-Heron was wrong, the revolution IS being televised, just switch your TV sets to David Dimbleby on BBC1.

10:00pm: Right. A hung Parliament.
...It's going to be a long night. Partying till dawn or La Noche Oscura del Alma? It's impossible to tell.
I can tell you something for free though: it won't be boring...

10:15pm: According to Twitter, Corbyn is well used to being, er, 'hung'...

10:20pm: Lots of celebrations going on the Corbyn camp and rightly so. I've made bad decisions before (sitting one of my A-level politics exams slightly hungover, accidentally microwaving a spoon, more haircuts than I can count) but imagine being such a numpty that you'd call a general election only to loose 17 seats... A friend just used the phrase "up shit creek without a paddle." In this case, I think the creek in question may well be the Suez Canal...

10:35pm: Right, getting a bit peckish so I'm off to go make some pasta. Pesto, ironically.

11:10pm: An inability to tear myself away from the coverage means my pasta has boiled over. To politicos like me, election night is better than Christmas. It's the one day it's acceptable to make esoteric comments on exit polls and niche jokes about Nuneaton. My hope is that the nation will
wake up tomorrow night to find a bearded old white man has left the gift of a £10 p/h minimum wage in their stockings.

11:20pm: 100% of the House of Commons is currently female. Enjoy this moment.

11:37pm: Irregardless of the final outcome, reportedly higher youth turnout is something we can all celebrate.

11:40pm: Emily Maitlis' red dress is surely an omen? Laura Kunenssberg has (quite deliberately I'm sure) gone for a neutral linen ensemble, as spotted on Tutenkhamun S/S' 1323. The two share more than just a fabric in common: both have awkward surnames and potent curses.

11:50pm: Wishing Sir Alan Sugar all the best in his new career as a polling expert xx

11:55pm: Beautiful to see the BBC discussing the possibility of Nick Clegg loosing his seat. Sheffield students were out in force today: many of my friends chose to stay at home even after their exams had finished in order to oust him.

Looks like Amber Rudd has (Ed) Ballsed up and may well loose her seat too. If so, she'd go from being tipped as the next chancellor to trying to run a budget surplus on £72.40 JSA a week...

MIDNIGHT: I would like to commend the tenacity of the fly that has allegedly been buzzing around the BBC studio for the past 3 days. It has no doubt been assisted by an abundant food source in the form of the box of Conservative party manifestos on hand in the BBC newsroom.

12:05am: Feeling slightly nostalgic for UKIP (younger readers, ask your Dad). I suppose Paul Nuttall is busy these days as captain of the Mary Celeste.

12:15am. I used to have a great deal of respect for Ken Clarke's affable brand of Europhilic One-Nation Conservatism until I learnt of his involvement in the contaminated blood scandal during his tenure as health minister from 1988-1990. Launching an inquiry into why the government allowed non-British blood products to be used right up until  the mid 1980s when it was known since 1970 that they posed a risk of transmitting blood borne diseases should be a firm priority for whoever occupies Number 10 on Friday afternoon.

12:30am: Liam Fox has popped up. I support the hunting ban but I'd make an exception for an ex-defence secretary with a well known penchant for a picnic.

12:35am: Nuneaton. Conservative hold. Oh dear.

1:00am: The sound cut out for several seconds on my laptop whilst Jeremy Vine was doing his thing. I wholeheartedly recommend watching his gesturing with your telly on mute. I imagine doing an Ouija board with Robin Gibb would be something like this.

1:10am: @PaulMasonNews would like to make it clear that Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell are not Marxists. He then proceeds to quote Trotsky.
His agressive pro-momentum campaigning (a lot like being hit repeatedly in the head with an ice pick actually) grated a lot during the campaign: it was rhetoric like this that put me off the Corbyn camp for a while during the leadership challenge in September 2016.

1:15am: More Twitter updates, @BBCLauraK "Sounding more and more like Clegg is loosing Hallam" ... You're welcome, Britain.

1:30am: "All over Battersea, some hope and some despair..." Mostly hope actually, Moz.


2:08am: Is that praise Nigel Farage is giving Corbyn?! ("He looked comfortable in his own skin")?

1:10am: Pouring myself the first drink of the night. AVARDA KEDAVARA! Philip Davies has been slain! Satan himself has been usurped. I never I thought I would see this day!!!!! Hallelujah!!!!
Just messaged Evie for a comment...
A man willing to bully 16 year olds on Twitter and advocates paying disabled people less than the minimum wage

2:23am: I'm booking a holiday to Grimbsy. Never again will I make derogatory comments about consanguinity. You are a noble and glorious people.

2:30am: This just in from Evie:
I feel like I have been waiting two years to get my own back on a the man who used the phrase 'I know a down syndrome' then thought it appropriate as a middle aged MP to insult a 16 year old girl over twitter, well Phillip Davies I'm happy to say my time has come. You are out and the socialists are in. So to put it bluntly, fuck you you small minded Tory dickhead."
Hear hear.

2:45am: FUCK YEAH! Nick Clegg is gone in my very own seat of Sheffield Hallam. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry (That I didn't get to tell him to fuck off to his face on the campaign trail, and also to the people in the flat above for the sonic boom level WHOOP). Very well done Jared O' Mara, it's nice to be on the winning side for once.
This is the first time Labour have won here since the seat's creation.

4:00am: Popped round to Rachel's flat for a change of scenery just as a deluge of seats are being announced. Highlights include Lord Buckethead and Elmo challenging Theresa May in Maidenhead, with 150 and 3 votes respectively.

4:10am: Eurgh, Jacob Rees-Mogg. I saw a meme somewhere saying he looks like the owner of a bed and breakfast from an episode of 'Tales and the Unexpected' who would offer you a cup of cocoa laced with sleeping pills. He's allergic to garlic at any rate.

4:15am: "It's going to be a very eventful day" - I can see now why Laura Kuenssberg is paid more than a £150,000 salary.

4:20am: Getting to that point now where the Conservatives are overtaking Labour. We're watching the numbers ticking away at the bottom of the screen with eagle eyes. Kier Starmer has been re-elected in Holborn & St Pancras.

4:30am: After a recount, Philip Davies has kept his seat. I have never been as disappointed in my life, ever. Obviously the fault of Russian vote rigging.

4:45am: Greg Knight has won East Yorkshire. His decidedly lo-fi election video is a strong contender for my favourite ever party political broadcast, shortly behind Labour's infamous 1997 effort and the frankly bizarre 1994 creation of the Natural Law Party featuring 'yogic flying'. I'll have the jingle going through my head for days.

5:00am: At least we'll always have Skinner, my love. x

5:10am: Jason's home constituency of North East Derbyshire has turned from red to blue, giving Natascha Engel the boot, demonstrating the oft-forgotten impact local grassroots issues have on a campaign. She was seen as placing her own political ambitions as deputy speaker over the people of Killamarsh by refusing to oppose fracking.

5:20am: Ming Campbell's old seat of North-East fife has reportedly been won by the Lib-Dems by just ONE vote. Never forget what a difference one individual can make in the world.

5:25am: Been waiting all night for an appearance by Malcolm Tucker Alastair Campbell. Interestingly, Dimbleby has pointed out that both David Davies and Boris Johnson are avoiding the media. No doubt there's been a run on chopping blocks.

6:00am: Based purely on garden pickets you'd think Natalie Bennett would have won another green seat in Sheffield central. Not so. Paul Blomfield has been re-elected with a whopping majority of 27,478.

6:07am: Nicely done Caroline.

6:10pm: I am wilting. The election night slog has been long and tiring but more importantly there's a possibility of a union between the DUP and Tories. I am loosing the ability to form sentences. Bed for me. Who knows what I'll wake up to. B0rIs as PriMe mInisteR_?!